


If It Makes You Happy

by goodwineandcheese



Category: Monster
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, M/M, Multi, Post-Canon, Pre-Established Relationships, relationship discussion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-10-03 20:01:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17290469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodwineandcheese/pseuds/goodwineandcheese
Summary: Tenma and Gillen have been together for a while, but Tenma's still feeling the wound of losing Grimmer. (Just a short character piece)





	If It Makes You Happy

**Author's Note:**

> I had some dialogue just sorta floating around in my head so I went ahead and made a little ficlet out of it. It’s a little ouchie, but sweet. 
> 
> More or less a straight post-canon piece, but with the implication Tenma and Grimmer were a thing for a while during canon.

He misses Grimmer. I don’t think he ever _won’t._

To be honest, there used to be times where I would miss my wife. Those are long gone, but we were never anything close. It’s different, for Tenma. There had been something there, something he would never have again. I really don’t blame him...I’m sure if he had the choice, he’d still be with Grimmer. It doesn’t really bother me to know that, though.

Tenma and… _Kenzo_ and I...well, I don’t know. It just sort of happened. I wasn’t sure about it at first - I’d thought that it was probably just Kenzo’s vulnerabilities...feeling lonely, and I was just the person that he latched onto. As for myself, my own feelings going into it...I’ve never been a romantic. Kenzo is someone important to me...I know that. But how I _feel_...I suppose...I wasn’t averse to trying. I didn’t really expect it to last, but...here we are.

I've come to see him as a different person. It's funny...I really wasn't very observant, back in college. I saw what I wanted to see. Kenzo...is much more complex than I gave him credit for, back then. I've come to appreciate things about him that I never would have, if I hadn't accepted his feelings. And my own, of course. In the end I was the one blinding myself to something wonderful. Kenzo had to show me the way.

Still, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fill the void in his heart. He’s happy...I know he’s happy with me, and I’m glad. But there’s this sense sometimes, a loneliness that surrounds him.

There’s a way that Kenzo looks, a certain expression he wears when he thinks about Grimmer. I don’t think he realizes how visible it is, but I see it now and then. When we’re having dinner, enjoying a coffee together, or before bed. Usually it’s later in the day, when he’s tired, worn down from the day. He catches me sometimes - and I guess _I_ have a certain expression, too, because when he notices, he puts on a smile and he…

_”I’m sorry. I’m fine, really. Just thinking.”_

He doesn’t know how sad he looks, when he says that. 

He doesn’t know what he sounds like some nights, when he whispers in dreams.

I’ll never be what Grimmer was, I know that. I’m not really jealous...again, I understand these circumstances; I wasn’t Kenzo’s first choice and I know that. The part that I can’t stand is just knowing that no matter what I do, I’ll never be able to take that pain away.

That’s all I want. I just want him to be happy.

* * *

I was afraid I’d made the wrong choice. That maybe it wasn’t really…I don’t know, I thought I might just be confusing my feelings. I think that’s what Rudi thought, too. 

But I’m glad I spoke up. I’m glad...about _us._

Rudi seems standoffish to most people, I think, but I know better than that. He’s easily his own worst enemy; he’s the sort of person who compares himself against others - so it’s always him against the world. And underneath it all he really is a kind person.

He worries a lot. More than he should. There’s really...no need for him to worry so much about me, but…

He really is just a kind person.

I have Rudi to thank for a lot, these days. He’s been grounding for me. He’s kept me on my feet, kept me stable. It’s been rough...but I’m not as bad now, not like before. I’m eating and sleeping regularly, for the most part. My physical health isn’t really a problem now. But I know why he worries. It’s not that. It’s just…

I can’t help it. There are things sometimes, memories, moments, something that reminds me of Grimmer, and I…

I try to keep it to myself, I can’t help but feel guilty about it. Because when Rudi sees me like that...I don’t know, it’s not a good message to send. All this time he's been there for me, he still _is_ , and I’m thinking about someone else. And I know he notices...he always looks worried, and I know he thinks it's his fault, like he isn't doing enough to help me. It's not like that. Feelings like that...they just _happen_.

I do miss him. It’s not wrong for me to miss him. Grimmer was...it’s not something I can easily describe. He was so much to me, and to lose someone like that...it’s normal, to feel it for so long. 

Rudi isn’t upset about it - he knows, he understands what that kind of loss does to a person. But I think he devalues himself. He...compares himself to Grimmer, I think. But he doesn’t need to...he _shouldn’t._ He can’t _be_ Grimmer...they aren’t the same person, not at all. He doesn’t have...to be like Grimmer to make me happy.

He’s done so much to help me, really. He surprises me and makes me smile...he can be heartwarming and endearing all in different ways than Grimmer was. We have different things in common, different interests we engage with one another. It’s not the same, but it’s not supposed to be. 

I’m moving forward. It’s slow, and there are times when I feel worse instead of better, but I have someone to lean on, if I need it. I’m starting to make better memories. It feels like I’m _living_ again. If it weren’t for Rudi, I wouldn’t be as far along as I am now.

I really am grateful for that. I'm happy.

**Author's Note:**

> Can't help but give soft endings can I...
> 
> Anyways I do have plans to eventually write a longer form kinda fic with these two once I have less bigger things on my plate. So for now just this little thing....


End file.
